After a week of my depressing job i was chomping at the bit to get to Hammersmith and back on the pop….

I met with Elliott at Kings cross around 01.30pm  and we began to make our way through the overcrowded cattle trains of the London underground to Camden town.Upon arrival at London’s home of all things weird we made our way to our hostel.After 1st walking a mile past our destination in to some unknown area of Camden we eventually found our home for the evening.Thankfully the hostel was part of /above a pub and after checking in we settled down for the 1st of the evenings booze.We drank and shot the shit and all was normal until our encounter with a strange toothless little old man who came over to our table.He was a strange sight,dressed in a coat that was 5 sizes to big and some sort of child’s winter hat.He was alone but as we watched him approach our conversation fell silent in confusion as to what this chap wanted.With his 1st sentence all became clear.

“Scuse me lads but i need a can of cider do you have any spare change?”

While i liked the honesty it took me a moment to realise this was not an old man but a youngish woman haggard by the ravages of boozy street life.Weird tramps must have some sort of homing beacon for me as it dose not matter where i am they will find me.This one had even come in off the street in to a pub to hassle me for money.How did she know i was there?Due to being in London and everything being at least a fiver we had little change and so she left us with 35p for her honesty.On her way out she took the executive decision to  down any dregs of lager she could find which let us know she was not masquerading as pisshead to gain money for any legitimate reason….

Before we left the the hostel/pub Elliott headed to our dorm to leave a few things in the secure cage beneath our bed.I sat in the pub and waited and when he returned decided to do the same thing.As i entered the room i was met by 2 blokes packing there bags as if to leave.I said hello and they told me to shush as there was a third man sleeping in his bunk.Fair enough i thought maybe hes had a hard night on the ol’ shandy.I returned to Elliot and mentioned nearly waking up the sleeping drunk in our dorm and he told me this.

“When i went up there i opend the door to see one guy ‘tea bagging’ the sleeping fellah while the third guy took pictures”

This made there quick and silent escape seem clear now i thought.I also began thinking if picking the bottom bunk was a wise choice….

On arrival in Hammersmith i made the near fatal error of trying to cross one of London’s busy roads.This resulted in being stuck in the middle of the busy road like a drunk punk traffic conductor and gave Elliot something to laugh at as he sensibly made his way to the traffic lights to cross….

The boozer is a home from home wherever the fuck i am.

Without many more life threatening acts of idiocy we made it to the pub and met with Lawrence and Stu and a little later on and Crabby and his brother.Mark arrived later after being sent on a wild pub chase by my imaginary directions.It was a great time for alot of the Motorhead forum to meet up and drink after much debating on the internet.A fine body of men indeed.(Appologies to those we drank with whos names i have forgot)
A text message from Mr Hungerford during the week had me thinking i had no passes for Hammersmith which was fine with me as the amount of crap the Motorhead team must go through on probably the most important gig of the tour must be horrendous.This all changed when Stu told us he had been promised guess passes for this evenings after show shenanigans.So after much booze with the Motorheadbanger massive me and Elliot took a trip to the box office to see if a pass awaited.Sure enough there was a guest pass for Elliott and so now 2 things were certain.

1.Elliot could now come with me to the stalls and not have to sit on his lonesome in the balcony.

2.We would be getting shitfaced at the after show partys.

Celebrate good times come on!

With this tremendous news in our minds we 1st bought the ever important booze and then settled in to the crowd to watch the Subs.Well fuck me sideways they were extra incredible,Sir Charlie of Harper is a year older than Lemmy and yet does not break a sweat even when jumping around like a 16 year old at his 1st gig.This has put me to shame on many occasions supporting the Subs throughout the years as i am burnt out and knackard after 30 mins where Charlie struts his punk rock stuff for as long as the venue allows nearly everynight.I loved every moment of there set and seeing them at a venue they deserve to be headlining themselves gave me a great feeling indeed….

Next where the ever raucous ANWL and they played a blinder Pig iron was the stand out track for me.Animals antics on stage never fail to amuse me.While on the subject Dave Nato (ANWL drummer) gave me his other bands The 4th Wall and i strongly recomend them as they are one of the most origional sounding punk rock bands ive heard in a long time….

During the show the Rock n Roll star that is Elliot introduced me to several Dutch Motorheadbangers one of which showed me his incredible tattoo.

Motorhead where a force of nature and blew me away partly due to being so close to the huge PA system but mainly due to the tight Rock n  Roll that i am addicted to.Charlie came on stage for Killed by death which is something i felt privileged to witness.Mr road crew Tim Butcher had to gaffer tape Lems hand back together mid show which had us all a tad worried but it did not effect the performance whatsoever.What a show….

Now the time had come for a cigarette before the impending aftershow fun.I left Elliot in the cue for cloakroom to retrieve our belongings and stepped out in to the madness of a few thousand of the Motorhead army smoking and chatting in the night.The nicotine and cold night air was a welcome rest from the 4 hours of Rock n Roll i had just witnessed.Whilst swaying in the wind a question was directed at me i met Trev also from the Motorhead forum and we decided to swap numbers and meet for a beer the following day in a Camden boozer….

As we entered the Hammersmith Apollo after show bar my drunken brain took over my mouth again and upon turning the corner and seeing Beki Bondage of Vice Squad  said

“Fucking hell its Beki Bondage”

I am a massive Bell end was my next thought as i scurried away to the bar.The bar was tiny and only stocked cans and those strange plastic bottles that pretend to be glass.Elliott had decided against drinking at this point for some unknown reason so i propped myself up at the tiny bar and waited to be served.At this point Animal and the ANWL roadie strolled over and said hello and so i offerd them both a beer which they gladly accepted.This was no problem i thought as they wanted a can of Carlsbourg (Probably the worst beer in the world) each and me being the kind of stupid Northern twat that i am presumed they would be a couple of quid at the most.I orderd a bottle of Magners and the 2 beers and paid on my card without a care in the world,imagine my shock as the bill read £16!Thieving bastards were charging more at the after show bar then they were downstairs in the already overpriced venue!This shock lasted as long as my cider did and i kept going back for booze throughout the next two hours.My self and Elliott made our way through the packed bar and found a grotty balcony which suited us just fine to sit and smoke.During the half hour and multiple cigarettes and cigars smoked out there we met Wayne formally of Stuntface who i have previously played with and now playing bass for Vice squad.Hes a quality chap and we discussed the Colwyn bay punk scene,in a coronation street gossip type fashion.We also managed to start a band with a shitfaced lass who was slumped next to us.She was nice but no matter how much we told her we lived in Yorkshire and rehersing in London once a week may prove to be a large issue for any new band,she refused to see any problem and told us to simply commute.The results of this musical venture with unnamed balcony lady have yet to materialise….

Back inside i drunkenly stumbled from one conversation to another eventually settling on the  drunken banter of Mr Paul Rooney (Vice squad guitar) if his hands fall off and he can no longer play he would be just at home on the working mens clubs comedy nights.A funny fellah indeed.Me and Elliott at some point were mistaken for important people and had several photos taken which amused us somewhat.As the party wound down around 2am Dave found me and told me the next shindig was at a Rock n Roll bar in soho.This was good news as other people had been mentioning Stringfellows which i wasnt too keen on.I had drunk in this boozer before and knew it to be frequented by the punk rock masses of London.A nasty Rock n Roll pub is exactly what was needed.So our group of Motorheadbangers (Stu,Elliott,Sarmed and Stu’s Russian mate who i think was called Vald?) headed off with Vice squad to find a taxi to take us to the boozer.On the way Vice squad said there good byes and headed home but we drunken few were not about to throw in the towel so easily.In my mind the only way this night could/would end was when my body started to reject the booze i was throwing down my neck.After a long taxi ride through London getting lost on the way and stopping for Vald? to get out and piss up a wall we made it to our destination….

It was now pretty late and as we got to the door we heard the doorman shout “No re entries!”This was not good news,so i stepped in and had a word as the bouncer struggled with 2 punks who were trying to force there way back inside for more booze.Rather then the “Your not getting in” i expected he looked at the pass round my neck and let us in without a problem.Once inside the mass of drunken Rock n Rollers Dave wanderd passed telling us the Motorhead party was upstairs and then swayed off in to the night.Upstairs a bigger much meaner looking bouncer kicked us out until i showed the now magical pass and he called over the coolest bar manager of all time.This guy was the epitome of cool i believe he was Persian and spoke in such chilled out way that we knew we were being looked after well.He told us to wait at the bottom of the stairs while he cleared the upstairs bar.After a while he came back and guided us through the mass of pissheads still trying to get a drink and then the kitchen and up to the party.It was now almost empty apart from various members of the Subs and ANWL as well as Mikkey Dee and some Motorhead crew holding court with some friends.We bought the much needed booze and took up some prime seats as close to the bar as possible….

The whole pub was now empty except the Motorhead party and we were told as soon as the music came back on the normal pub laws would expire.So when the 1st chord of whatever tune was played sounded out through the bar a mass of smoking began.Huge spliffs were produced and cigars sparked as the good old pub scent of smokey alcohol wafted up my nostrils….

A red headed girl decided to spark up a converstaion with this uncommon ice breaker.

“Dont you want to talk to me because of my vagina?”

This conversation was weird to say the least my memories are hazy but this debate about a strange girls vagina lasted a while before she wandered off in to the smokey mist….

Elliott had started drinking again which was good news and stupidly he told me how he wouldn’t mind a little rummage with a certain girl at the bar.In my drunken state i knew it was my duty to build his confidence so he could indeed get a piece of this pie.So for the next hour i bullied Elliot into making a move,which he resisted well and eventually after we both agreed that said girl was not as ideal as he once thought i stoped badgering him and went back to talking bollox about any thing that popped in to my delirious brain….

At one point during the night Mikkey Dee danced his way to the toilet during poison by Alice Cooper which is a sight i will never forget.Also during one of my own trips to the grim toilets i stumbled in to a couple of punks pretty much screwing over the sink.They stopped and let me past and i said

“Sorry chaps gotta take a shit wont be long”

And so while i deposited my stinky load in the cubicle the romantic punk rock loving continued on the other side of the plywood door.Now after 15+ pints of cider my shitting arse sounds like a someone trying to start a broken petrol lawnmower and smells like a newly discovered mass grave.So it was no surprise to me when i had finished my dirty business and stepped out of the cubicle that the horny couple had stopped mounting each other and were now stood looking a quite disappointed with me as i washed my hands and made my escape….

We drank until around 5.30 am when myself and Elliott decided as we had to check out of the hostel in 4 and a half hours we should fuck off.There had been talk of getting a rickshaw  back to Camden as it seemed the best mode of transport around and so when we turned out of Denmark street and a Asian chap in a full 3 piece suit pulled up on one we knew it was our drunken destiny.The fact that it was double the price of what we were quoted for a taxi made no difference to us and so we climbed aboard and peddled off in to the night cackling like a pair of wine’os on a day trip,pouring bourbon in to cans of cola as we went….

After the long ride through London passing baffled looking commuters on there way to work,we reached Camden and the warmth of the hostel.I decided a night cap was in order and so we decided to sit in the communal tv room in the basement.Once in there we discoverd the unfortunate tea bagging victim of earlier on and his female company on the couch watching tv.So after a uncomfortable drink of bourbon we decided food would be a good idea and so made our way to the king of falafel next door to the Camden underworld.After purchasing the worlds greatest falafel wrap and whatever dead beast Elliott was grazing on,we stumbled back to hostel.While Elliot visited the laundry to get some towels for the fast approaching morning shower i noticed through a window looking in to the tv room that the light was now off and decided another drink was in order.So i opend the door and stepped inside to find Mr tea bag and his companion stark bollock naked and going at it hammer and tongs.I shut the door and left laughing as i went.I then decided tell Elliot to take a peek through the window in to the darkness.After a a good long stare he said he could not see anything which is when i decided to spring on him what i had seen moments before.Mr tea bag and his lady friend would of clearly seen Elliott stood in the light with his hands cupped around the glass staring in there direction and this amused me to no end.Elliott shrugged off his apparent peeking Tom behaviour and it was then decided to get to bed….

On waking a few ours later still drunk i giggled at the sight of the tv room porn stars sleeping in the opposite bunk.Another drunken night was over and for the next 3 days i was on my own….

This entry was posted in Booze, Comply or die, Humour, Idiot, motorhead, Music, punk and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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