The day started well,i woke up on time and did not feel the previous nights booze hammering on my brain.If anything i felt refreshed and eager to begin.A short bus ride to the train station later and i had met with my cohort Bilo Barackus.Within 5 minuets of this encounter he had told me of the harvest of magic mushrooms he had concealed about his person.And so it was then i knew for certain that bad things would occur….

The train journey was an uncomplicated affair,we sat and drank expensive train station booze and reminisced about our past adventures.Upon arrival in Wolverhampton we quickly found the hotel and made our way to the check in desk.We were told to come back at the proper check in time and so ventured in to town to get our bearings.It took a while of wandering through random high streets until we discovered the box office.Again our eagerness had gotten the better of us and we were too early to pick up our passes,so we headed to the hotel pub and drank pints of cider and play pool.This was one hell of a shit pool table,someone had stolen the back ball and the cues had no tips.At £1 a game we were most disappointed.Disproving looks from the locals were common as we mocked this terrible pool table.I think Bilo beat me by some way of trickery or voodoo and with that it was time to check in….

We first decided to stock up on supplies at a near off licence.I bought a 70cl bottle of Jack Daniels with 2 litters of Pepsi to mix with it.Bilo decided against spirits and bought Chilled cans of Grolsch beer.We crossed the road merry with excitement of the evenings rock n roll only to be stopped in our tracks by a man asking for money.

“Excuse me lads… in a bit of trouble and i need some to get my train home…could you spare a bit of change..”

I had heard this lie many times before and knew the real reason he needed money was either to purchase booze or drugs.This did not bother me on this particular occasion as i was in a good mood and looking forward to drinking the bourbon in my bag.

“Yeah all right mate”i said in a sarcastic tone.”Heres a quid fellah”

I handed him my well earned money and expected the usual smile and a “thank you” as he scuttled off to buy his choice of poison.Instead he said something most unexpected.

“Are you a fucking devil worshipper?” This came as quite a shock.I had not expected this bizarre little man to berate me for me for giving him some change.

“What the fuck are you talking about man?” i replied “i just gave you money and now you give me this shit?”

“Well you look like a devil worshipper” he continued.

This confused me i thought the traditional garb for someone who worships the devil was a black hooded robe?I had black jeans and brothel creepers on.Now possibly this could have been regarded as satanic clothes to a Medieval simpleton but this was 2011 and i was pretty confident this man was a paranoid schizophrenic.I deal with these people a lot and know the best thing to do is walk away.Getting further in to this conversation could result in more misery than it worth.We left this crazy fucker on the street and decided it was time to check in….

The staff in the hotel had no idea about our stay.This was not good.I had booked on the internet and got a twin room for £35.The hotel staff had said due to the Motorhead show there was no room at the inn.Not even a manger in a stable.After an hour or so of panicking and frantic phone calls the hotel staff came to the conclusion that we were in the right. Excellent news.However due to the booking department deciding against warning the hotel  of our impending arrival there was still no room at the inn.The only thing they could do was  offer us a double room which was booked for another guest who had not yet arrived.This was not ideal,i had not planned on spending the night in the same bed as Bilo Barackus and i did feel a slight sense of  guilt at taking another guests room.But we had no choice and so accepted.We spent an hour or so drinking booze and listening to fine rock n roll anthems in our boudoir until we were sufficiently drunk to head to the boozer….
Smell and Bilo hotel stupidity

The pub was either a Yates bar or a Whetherspoons,as the tour ploughed ahead i would spend more and more drunken moments in these “chain pubs”.Walking inside we were greeted by  the hordes of Motorheadbangers who had made it for the 1st gig of the tour.We sat in the beer garden so i could chain smoke cigarettes which could not be helped when drunk on bourbon.We chatted to various Motorhead fans about past gigs and tales of drunken stupidity.Stu and Lawrence whom i knew from the Motorhead forum made an appearance but did not stay for long as they had other places to be and different booze to drink.As the time time to pick up our passes approached i realised Bilo was becoming less and less involved in conversation and looked close to becoming a tired drunken liability.A cure was required and so i purchased a triple voldka redbull to perk him up.This had the desired effect and so with a boozy caffeine spring in our step we made our way to the venues box office….

An envelope awaited me at the box office which i hoped contained 1 V.I.P tour laminate for myself and a paper guest pass for Bilo.This was almost correct but rather than a tour laminate there was a V.I.P paper pass along with Bilos guest pass.This seemed strange.Inside the envelope was a message to contact Alan along with a phone number.I knew the Alan in question was Alan Hungerford (Lemmys PA).Bourbon induced paranoia set in and i thought Alan may well need to tell me that a laminate tour pass was no longer on the agenda.I called the number and was told by Alan to wait for him by the merch stand.This i did while Bilo watched the opening UK Subs tracks.Not long later Al emerged from a sea of Motorhead shirts shook my hand and guided me to a backstage stairway.There he explained to me that before i got my grubby mitts on this coveted piece of plastic he needed to be sure i would not abuse its power.He explained to me that someone in Europe had had the same pass bestowed upon him and had only lasted 7 hours before it was taken back.I understood i had been trusted and to break the trust would be the end of my time as a friend of the Motorhead machine.After a brief chat about life on the road  Al introduced me to some of the Motorhead crew and explained my presence back stage.I thanked Al and left smiling like a junkie in drugs factory.I felt i had been almost accepted by the greatest Rock n Roll band to ever exist and bounded over to Bilo to tell him of this great moment….

After the magnificent Subs had come to the end of there set we decided to celebrate with an incredible invention…Smell and Bilo 2 pint buckets

….2 pint buckets!This to me was the icing on the cake.We gulped away them and watched the next band of Rock n Roll maniacs take to the stage.The ANWL were great and brought back memories of the last time i had got on stage with Comply or die to support them in York.I remember the volume being loud for both the U.K Subs and the ANWL but nothing could prepare our ears for the onslaught that followed.The searchlights and sirens began and we knew only one thing was coming….

Motorhead kicked our heads in with Bomber the volume was incredible,my clothes vibrated with the rumble of Lems bass and the pounding of Mikkeys double kick drum.The crowd pulsated with every beat and i decided that there was no better place to be at that moment then right there in Wolverhampton’s civic hall.Following Bomber came my first ever live experience of the classic Damage case.A riff like that can literally shake your bones.I know how to die is a steam roller of a song and perhaps one of the best offerings from The world is yours.My favourite tune of the evening was One to sing the blues complete with the blistering Mikkey Dee drum solo.During Killed by death a number of strange look a likes joined Motorhead on stage from my hazy memory i remember Pavarotti ,Simon Cowell,Dizzie rascal….A bizarre moment indeed….

After the venue had been cleared we bought a pint from the bar and bumped in to Alvin and Jet from the U.K Subs.We congratulated them on a great show and left them wading through the river of discarded plastic pint glasses as we headed for the stage door to have a cigarette.Outside greeted us with a weird sight another exit from the building had a stream of people coming out but these people were not “our” people,oh no they were not Motorheadbangers neither were they staff.This was strange and so we asked a fellow smoker what was occurring.He informed us that James Morrison had in fact been playing in a venue underneath Motorhead.He also told us he was the sound engineer on the James Morrison tour.He recounted stories of life on the road with various bands through his career such as David Bowie and Duran Duran.Using my endless supply of drunken wit i told him that im sure his job is easier then it is for the Motorcrew to try and harness the deafening volume Lem and the chaps expect every night.He then told me he had in fact worked with Motorhead in the 80’s and had loved every minuet of it….

Back inside we waited with the 2 other after show guests to be taken upstairs to maybe meet Lemmy.Al eventually guided us through to the same stairway i was taken to before and asked us to wait a little while longer.We waited for around 45 mins chatting away about the gig and i sipped from my hip flask.The door eventually opened and Al appeared followed but the true king of Rock n Roll Lemmy Kilmister.My drunken brain failed me and as i took a second take at the man stood in front of me i spoke the words that where whizzing through my mind.

“Holy fucking shit!”

I got to my feet from my tramp like position on the floor and Al introduced me to Lemmy, i shook his hand and told him how great the gig was i then reached in to my bag to get him a a book i had brought for him….

“Ive got a little gift for you Lem,its a book that i got half way through while working night shifts but as i was moved back to days i lost the time to read it and i now refuse to start again.What i did read it was very good and i think you will enjoy it” Came my confused explanation.

“Well you wont know how it ends will you?” Replied Lemmy.

I produced the book,it was book an Adolph Hitler and his early life and rise to power.I showed it to Lemmy.

“Ah well we all no how this one ends dont we,thank you”
Bilo Lem and Smell
After this incredible encounter with Lemmy we celebrated with more whiskey from my hip flask and headed back to the hotel happy with the evenings events.However soon after we stumbled in to our hotel room the mood changed.Bilo produced his bag of mushrooms and we halved them.I brewed mine in a cup of tea and downed it.I watched as Bilo did the same and then watched as Bilo puked them all back up.This was not good i thought,now i am on my own in whatever trip is about to occur.The mushrooms started to take effect and some incredible hallucinations freaked the shit out of me.Im not sure how long i sat tripping for but i remember at one point having no idea where i was or what i was doing by which point Bilo had gone to bed drunk and bored with my madness.I remember seeing Bilo in bed and not having a clue what he was.At one point i thought i had lost my mind and that this was now going to be my life.Not a bad trip just a tricky one….

I woke on the floor wearing what looked like strange denim Wellington boots.I discovered the boots where actually my jeans which i had foolishly tried to take off over the top of my brothel creepers.I decided a drink was in order and so poured a jack Daniels and contemplated the previous evenings events.That would be the last time i did any hallucinogenics  for a very long time i thought.After the boozy cure i decided to freshen up and went for a shower.Around the toilet bowl was some strange red substance covering some of the wall and the small plastic bin.This i concluded must have been whatever Bilo chucked up the night before.No idea why it was red….

Bilo eventually woke and had the worst smelling shit any creature has ever produced….
Bilo taking a shit
I decided to burst through and preserve this moment with a photo….

I thought this a good point to leave and we made the journey back to York, for Bilo it was time to get home and recover.For me it was time to get on the train to Newcastle for the next night of Motorhead madness….

This entry was posted in Booze, Comply or die, Humour, Idiot, motorhead, Music, punk and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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